Transcendence.
Sometimes the most loving thing one can do is step back from near everything and be most one’s self. Relaxing into loving distance from all not meant for one’s horizon nor perspective.
The blessings that have been the hornet’s nest of the Pacific Northwest in relation to America. Finding gratitude for tasting only alienation and exile from seemingly finding some niche community in this land of endless subcultures to fit in lastingly. Not with any of them do I much resonate. Losses that hurt so deeply to confront systemically within, but oh so necessary, hindsight. I think I am nearing becoming excited at last in a psychospiritual sense to truly behold such unbelonging.
I accept what life has given me. The cruelties. The beauty. All of it. Knowing such extremes.
Embracing what is.
I embrace my aloneness in a way I never would have before. Without care if it ever precisely changes now somehow. Something has changed in me. Day by day I am overcoming seeking much for me externally anymore. I journal from aloneness and sorting out the mess of things I should never have endured. So is life, in so many things.
Despite all this, I move on alone with smile knowing I can make the best of it. We are not all cut of the same thread nor clay. What if we are not meant to be? There is a strength to be gained to realize you have survived things so few could have. It is in that that everything is okay. To know the essence of soul and clay.
How boring and untrue is it to know only what makes us all the same? I find it much more awe inspiring and empathy compelling to have swam to such depths and reached to such heights so as to truly know what delineates difference in ways I don’t much see anyone in the whole of the world leaning into expressing or growing consciousness with or towards. Mostly, I see only the opposite. And such a long arc trajectory of such. It surely is more comforting.
Like somewhere in part within it is a whole horizon consciousness has yet to behold capacity for or to enter. As though even communities that allegedly hold space for differences, they too themselves box themselves out of it. I see the trappings clear as day, but they are no longer mine to say. I am here simply only to be me. To embrace the love in this world that distinctly is me.
I understand what it is to be wholly individuated.
The lasting nope.
Thank you to those who teach others in the world that. To know one’s self a world apart from others, what more is there to say? There’s next to no conversations in the world that interest me these days. Like many exiles turned initiates of their own choosing and accord in transmutation, is it not more indicative it is now my work to create the very space then that does interest me? Or to simply be with it interiorly? Maybe a bit of both of it all at the same time.
The heart ecology that is mine. That is what sets me apart and infinitely nourishes me. Heart ecology differences to begin with. A landscape I am finding myself feeling intuitively well qualified to explore and learn to express creatively. A room of my own making. Maybe an opening only this land could have provided opportunity to see so well. Our hearts certainly are not all the same. Right down into the frequencies, having far less to do with growth or empathic openings.
Some heart ecologies lived and inherited, are anything but the same. After what I have seen, I never would want them to be. It’s such a freeing feeling to move into that understanding. Nothing in the world looks the same for me now, nor quite how anyone else goes about seeing the world. The beauty of diversity and heritages and constellation orientations. That there are wondrous degrees between these things. Cosmic and celestial influences for moving along this earthly learning school.
What does it mean then to be a wild feminine perceived to have been left behind?
In working through my own baggage of imbalanced independence and the traumas that followed it, I am, however, finding a lovely spaciousness with being unmet authentically as of yet by any a masculine energy in shared frequency or surrendering.
Learning into remembrance with the nature of Celtic vows has been one of the more changing energetic adjustments of my life. Known in truth and fidelity in every drop of water and memory and matter within me. The nature of renewal built into it. Into the very nature of the most intimate of relationships. Underlying reasons that so much of relational dynamics feel utterly chaining and just outright having been not meant for me or undesirable.
Very different too than modern notions of wildness. Like anyone who has a dog as best friend across lifetimes in inherited sensory fields learns, that timeless first friend teaching. Something time witnessing other communities too showed me differences with. No wild animal either am I. Mostly, I think I may be something most will never understand.
