Love As Bitterness Repellent

Truthfully, I should thank everyone that has hurt me in my life for preparing me for walking the path that is coming into view. All the tears making way for helping me to behold the love I am here to let come through me. Pretty much against all odds.

I am not one to forget that. Have always insisted on presence with that. I laugh at myself that I have been pushed so severely and struggled so immensely for what came rather naturally for me. Instinctively and intuitively against all conditioning, early and prolonged conditionings. Others have been been intrigued with the wonder I behold and amalgamation that I am, that moves through me, until they aren’t. Until it stirs in them something of resentment.

Especially for me has it been so, in context that I can love and forgive anything. People don’t like that approach in the times we live in. That one can love without chain or bending knee to be told what they can and can’t love or how and under what terms. That one can love and forgive just about anything, love and very much value boundaries as necessary in a world so insistent on tearing down and apart everything.

Healing severings. We in heart, are not all the same. It may actually be, in times such as this, in heart ecology, where it is differences become most visible. What is medicine for one, may be poison for another, and vice versa.

That I have now for so long refused mask and role to be self-hating, I guess for some that has been, by way of scaling mirror, an unacceptable thing. It’s not like I didn’t have empathy for why that was. I had immense ability to hold it while not losing myself. Having said that, however, I am not ungrateful I had to learn such ongoing and stark differences of hearts. It is a blessing in all that is has forged me to better see looking about in the world.

I remember the first time that came into my awareness field all the way back in 2013. How the trail and tenacity of resentments coming at the likes of me started so small, yet grew to vengeance the more I refused to self-hate. But also in that I refused to simultaneously hate for things that many would hate for. Oh, that really gets under the skin of some.

So many projections too as to the nature of my foundations. As to the nature of my lived and inherited experiences. It’s much more comfortable for many to fall into thinking a light haired blue eyed girl is ignorant of just about everything in the world. It’s actually a rather conditioned social norm of our time. My whole life have I experienced it. I’ve been conditioned to keep a veiled face out in the open. To sit back and let people think of me what they will.

How my innocence led some to overlook the years of tears and struggles behind it. How hard fought for my innocence interiorly was. The childhood I experienced so as to make a lasting dance with self-hate as a choice in the field of collective offerings impossible. Why the external demands to self-hate were unacceptable. In the decade to follow, the relentlessness of it slowly brought out the fight in me. How bitterness from others I held compassion and empathy for nearly surrounded and poisoned me.

While I am grateful for those who are helping others break free in their hearts and minds of such momentums now well witnessed underway at large, my experience being anything but an isolated one, I feel as though I fit in nowhere still. That, however, was nobody’s fault but my own. I chose exile and initiation of my own varietal. My choices were between self hatred or that. The Celtic heart in me trusted exactly what to do. Thus, I wouldn’t change it either honestly. I am still unfolding.

Loving Europe in a time immemorial and literal sense is not abandoning myself. To the contrary, to not love Europe would be to do so. To love America before Europe would also moreso be to abandon myself. We are anything but all the same. To keep it all on the individual and America as God’s country is to stay in shallow waters for me. I’ve no protest for or against that. It’s not my business. America simply is what it is to me. I can say that as someone who relates well with that which is far greater than us too.

By the nature of the life I was born into, I was born to learn to swim deep and reach out into the numinous reaches of the celestial. Both at the same time. Within and without. I know I am not alone in this. Over the course of my life thus far, already have I stumbled across many who do this in varying degrees and ways of their own. Many teachers I have been blessed to know.

Personally, I love the way northern souls dance with light. I love the way we grapple with our shadows. Open and raw. So humbled so as to patternedly question if we ourselves are darkness. It’s laughable and also endearing.

Euro church taught me more than a few things about the ways our medicines differ from those of others. So too did intimate time in Indian Country.

Contrary to many, I can love all that the multitude of heritages of Europe are and too recognize missteps and darkness. Like the mirror within myself, my love has room for all of it. Are we really here to be amateurs with consciousness and shadow integration? I certainly am not. There is plenty of that far away from me.

Firstly, it’s rather easy if one acknowledges nothing about much of any of it was ever homogenous. The becoming of Europe up to this point, nor it’s influences, modernity making nor history. I know, it takes a whole lot of courage to suggest that these days. The common peoples’ struggles everywhere in the world were mostly being disposable fodder for the globalizing machine. Further, if I’m being most honest, the whole of the world has not so dissimilar depths of darkness and missteps of each’s own to integrate, even if they look radically different.

Culturally, socially, and at scale, already has so much of it been easefully faced. How many others can say the same with facing the more shadowy sides of their heritages? The wheel is a bitch, ain’t it?

Looking around the world at present, I genuinely love the love and light so many are bringing through. But the distinct mixology, or rather heart ecologies of the descendants of the north in alignment with their heritages, I love it a little bit more. Which is to say I preference northern medicine. And for anyone that understands heritage in any time immemorial sense, of course I would! It’s moreso hateful to suggest I shouldn’t.

Mundanely, yes, but mystically and sacredly as well. What many who fall into those trappings or huntings fail to see is, like any who integrate for their own self such a thing, I would want for any others to find in themselves the same. Whatever it is that means for them.

The whole of the world has made a mess of the world in tandem and collaboration. Global wide participation. I don’t much care about missteps. I care about what one does with them. Like in our shadow integrations in long arc senses, nothing is unforgiveable or worthy of not loving ourselves back into holism through. Just as one would in working through self-love at the individual level, it’s okay to hold space for holism and seeing parts of ourselves that others would deny to us. Or expend energy from power positions to limit as worthy of love explicitly.

If me simply loving with my love language exposes bitterness in others, then so be it. It’s not really me being heartless, thus nor is it my burden of responsibility, is it? I may not be perfect, I have never pretended to be, but I am grounded and more than capable of overcoming human smallness making trying to hurt me or the likes of me to avoid its own unhealing. For me simply thinking, feeling, and moving differently.

It is true, all we really owe the world is the healing of our own selves. The rest sorts its self out. The universe, Source, consciousness, interdependence, whatever one calls it, it truly makes room for everything. Though there are those from all directions who labor to try to ensure it doesn’t, aren’t there?

While there is so much I don’t know and am at the whims and mercy of still, I am blessed to see holism through this understanding. To lose so much is sometimes to gain everything that matters indeed.