I take my heart in my own hands, fore ‘tis all I can do. Returning to my favorite color, no longer will I hold blue. The world has tested me. Tested me into my core. And while it has seemingly rejected me, I don’t have to. My heart is different. This I now know. My mind, my very way of moving in this world. I don’t know yet if it a good thing, but it’s certainly not bad.
Different sometimes is as simple as that.
My listening to others, it’s fading away. While there is a quiet ache in it, nobody hears or sees me anyways. Not authentically. There is my sense for my own step back. Heritage lessons guiding me stubbornly. My promise to myself. To listen to mostly only the ways the earth and celestial respond. Fore Source is all that meets me authentically anymore. I alone maybe know the whole of how I got here.
There’s so much noise in the world about the way things are. That we need to break free. Fear and panic it’s all coming down. That life itself is rushing towards collapse. Some very much wanting it. That wars between humans, between humans and life, are winning out. But it’s not how I see things. Not interiorly.
I pray and dream differently too.
In quiet corners and obvious ways I see my simple acts of creation meeting something different. I’m walking away from more degrees of noise and testimony. Old ways that rather bore me. Like the nature of vengeful hearts and desert cults do. Ways I won’t be cornered into to be used by another who does not behold honesty nor love with me either. Does anybody really? The world is certainly free of me.
I am my own all on my own. Though I don’t think it is where I’ll remain, but time will tell. I’m neither here to worry of such thing. Tending my heart back into its radiant self. That is all I need focus on for now. How the world has beaten me down. But it’s okay because it taught me what sets me apart. My very heart and the way my soul dances with life. Which is to say with matter and Source itself. Both at the same time.
Where it is I go in the quiet recesses of my mind, in quiet moments alone with nature, or alone in stillness sometimes even, because wherever we are, the universe, nature too, of course, hears us. Though humans can make an ugly mess of it, we are never not truly in nature. We just forget this. But I don’t.
Nature meets me and maybe that is enough.
At least it has to be for now. I can still dream for something different for me personally. Something I’ve never really actually done for myself. I always felt so blessed, even near empty handed, that I didn’t put prayers for my own life first. I see the ways my prayers have been answered, however. Wildly. Though I’ll share them with nobody so as to not interrupt what I can continue to be in awe with for tangibly happening. Going against so much determined all worked out. But it isn’t. Showing me how little much of anything is fixed. Though I am in awe too to sense into what somewhat is.
We are here as creative beings. It’s no wonder the world in resonance fields came at me so. My dreams are vastly different than even I knew before. Maybe I am delusional, but nature shows me so often now that I am somewhat of an anomaly. That the universe indeed is responding in ways that matter. Showing me I am capable of so much more than I would have ever dreamed to dare believe before. Despite coming to witness this perhaps much later than many do for their own selves, no energy or time was wasted. Not from what it is I am seeing.
I still sing songs with soil and trees.
Mycelial memory awakening it within me. Something that can never be taken from me. Like I even heard and joined in with in London and New York City. Cities I’d never visited. Wherever I go, nature meets me. The world moving hectically about, but the winds and the leaves show me something else. I still whisper with wild waters unheard except when I am stumbled upon occasionally belting it out. Dance with rocks and mountains. Dance with eagles and herons. Smile and laugh with ravens that ever swoop in to say hello as though they know and see already I know and see them well. See them in a sacred sense. That they are too a part of consciousness.
I wonder how many experience nature coming at them routinely, just to say hello intently, meeting the consciousness in them? Far different an experience than simply crossing paths, accumulating experiences. I look around and see in brief moments some that surely do and those moments indeed make me smile deeply.
There is so much love in this world, it’s wild I find myself so alone. I own the ways I made my life like that. I really wasn’t where I belonged. Or I’d have been met well in the community where it is I live. In the life I thought I was building. There were so many years for me to fit in. And I simply didn’t. Not even when I thought I did. Still, I am somewhere in between by the obvious nature of being wholly unmet. And so small steps I will make. To just move on with living. Free of everything and everyone.
Thank you to all the lovely humans that I love. For teaching me so beautifully by existing as you in the world.
